{By the time this gets posted, it will already be February. I took my time with this one~~}

A belated Happy New Year to everyone who visits/passes by this space!

January has drawn to a close, but its pacing felt like the quiet snowfall we experienced in the last few weeks. (At least, in the case of living in the suburbs, which was a pleasant sight to see, but a bitter cold to feel…)

There are 11 more months to look forward to. Judging by the general consensus, this new year holds greater possibilities than in previous years; most people seem to be more optimistic about plans and hopes for 2018, given what had to be endured in the past few years that arose to social consciousness.

I am joining the positivity bandwagon set for this year, because it is of particular significance. It feels like crossing a threshold into adulthood, where the trial-run ends and there is no turning back to the comfort of adolescence. (Call to mind, signing up for a streaming service but also adding in a payment option, when the trial membership turns into a permanent one that charges monthly. That is what it will feel like from here on out.) 

Last year, I felt like I was being sidelined in my own story…

Unforeseen events occurred, triggering certain reactions that could not be textually articulated in words nor verbally expressed to others without the fear of judgment. Anxiety and insecurity often fought to arise from within, but it was a struggle to keep them from reaching the surface. Sometimes they won the battle, but there were a few victories on my part because of my inner desire to heal through persistence.

To put it in a more concrete, straight-forward way: I was stuck in my BS, longer than I should have been.

Some time in the last 4 months, I made a very important decision. It was going to be a game-changer that would determine where I want to go from here. I was going to either remain stuck in the same place and be miserable of my own fault, or get myself moving and have some control over my life that will eventually lead to my own happiness.

I chose the latter.

From there, the terrifying path of change opened up. It meant: beginning to speak up for myself, keeping in mind that whatever I say will be either accepted or challenged. It meant: recognizing, admitting, checking, and adjusting my attitude for my own benefit and for others, so that communication becomes possible and effective. It meant: setting goals for the months ahead and actively taking the steps to achieve them. It meant: looking forward to future plans and taking every chance of having an “adventure” outside of my comfort zone–slowly, but with hope and excitement.

My birthday will be in two days–it will mark my living a quarter of a century! I feel that this will be the inaugural point of my entry into Adulthood, in terms of maturity.

Up until this point, I always felt like I needed to ask permission to live. And in the past two years, I had felt that there was no point in asking anymore because I was becoming too afraid to live… But from what I went through in the last 4 months, I had to seriously consider if I was satisfied with that way of living… and if there is still a chance for me to get started.

I will say that January was a good trial run. I will remind myself to continue what I started. Whenever a problem arises, I will not mull over it like before; there is always “troubleshooting” or “recalibration” to fix things and get back on track. This is my mindset for this year, and maybe even for the next 25 years! (But let’s just get into February, first…)

This is where I will gain more confidence in my work, enough to feel that it is worthy of submission and publication. At least, I find more comfort in actually submitting work and getting rejected than never taking the first step , out of the fear of failure. There is always time for me to grow as a writer, as a creator, as a storyteller. Even with the adult fears kicking in, like perpetual unemployment, mortality, and social injustices, I still hold out for hope that things will get better. And the one constant that keeps me from sinking back inwards is writing.

I write each note as if it were my last. But this is not me being “fatalistic”; this is how life goes. There is no guarantee that life will go as we want it to go sometimes. But we will never see tomorrow, if we do not get through today.