{thank u, next; was a 2019 mood}

The new year has finally come; thank Siren’s blend! (Have yet to try that coffee at Starbucks…) I originally started this post on November 30th, but a lot happened between then and now that kept me from giving attention to this blog!

My second semester of grad school starts next week, so the least I can do is update before I am drifted back into the grind~ (Most likely, I’ll come back here for MCS writings!)

[The following text has minor edits, to fit in with the timeline of events. Apologies for weird wording!]

In reflection of all that had happened last year, I find it odd how I could feel both defeated and victorious in a righteous balance. The first half of the year felt like a long bloody battle; the second half a relief, a recovery, and a celebration for survival and fortitude!

As I have stated before, on this blog, I had a retail job that took me 7 months to learn how to endure fleeting human interaction, high capitalistic demand, impulsive shopping, and physical/mental health concerns. As a result, I developed eczema on my hands that flares up from time to time, which is annoying but it reminds me to check on myself. How much am I willing to take on that is worth the stress? If it causes too much irritation, I should draw boundaries and just decline some things for the sake of my physical health, but also my mental and emotional health.

This very much applied to my home life, in the caregiving for my father. As taboo as it is to speak on family matters, in a public space (Internet), from a Filipino perspective, I must be transparent about the situation but will also save some details for a future writing endeavor. I know that there are others who have experienced or are currently experiencing similar circumstances, so that is why I feel the need to speak…

My father had been diagnosed with dementia in the summer of 2018. My mother and I served as his only caregivers. After the discharges from nursing/rehabilitation centers, we were on our own. Receiving outside help was at a bare minimum, but the three of us struggled to maintain the same family dynamic that we had in previous years, even after experiencing the loss of my older brother. This was especially trying for me, as the dutiful daughter who is expected to (learn how to) carry the weight of the family, emotionally-speaking. But it was too much to carry all at once, and I tried to express that… but it came from a place of anger, rage, and loneliness. Makes me think of those films that came out this year, which focused on family, illness, and the daughter in the central position as the “anchor” of the family. But I refused to see those films or indulge in those kind of stories, as they hit too close to home…

At the time of updating this post from the Drafts, my father had passed away on December 21st, 2019. We were all at home with him; he had been discharged from the hospital under Hospice home-care, after spending almost 2 weeks under intensive care. And that is all I can write about here, as I am still processing the major changes in my life now. I will tell the story again, but likely in a different form and place…

January is closing out soon. I had not planned out this post, so my trains of thought will remain lost. But I will say that things started to slowly look up, despite all the tragedies that have happened last year. It gives me hope for the year ahead, as well as the decade ahead, for I am approaching my 30s!

I am grateful for the lessons I received that taught me how to become a better person, on my own terms. I am happy with the connections I have made or restored, because we all need a solid support system through our most trialing times and gritty transformations. And most of all, I love myself even more to not be swayed by negative messages that tell me to believe otherwise.

Time to get back into Twin Peaks!

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