{4pm is my preferred wakeup time}

Not in a good mood at the moment, so this post will seem like I have reverted back to my middle school/high school days, when I treated the Internet as my public diary… (I still do, but in a formative way, because I am an adult…)

It takes a lot of willpower to not cave in to that desire for the outside. Places around the country are weaning off the stay-at-home order, which has seen an influx of people rushing out for the old sense of ‘normality’. No distance, no mask, no precautionary inhibitions.

Can we say that this simple desire into action could cause another wave of COVID? Admittedly, I am in the camp that believes “yes”, because I am coming from a perspective that has operated on taking every precaution necessary to ensure that I feel safe and protected, and that my very presence does not inconvenience others…

Hence, I am staying indoors except for “essential errands” (groceries and laundry), until it is totally, absolutely, “under ordinance” safe and clear to walk around leisurely.

Staying-at-home is a humbling experience. You figure out that many activities profited off the free time someone has, the mobility and accessibility someone is privileged with, the necessity that presses one to go out and obtain in order to fulfill needs… these revelations are not new ones, if you have been in circle that often discuss capitalism profiting off human bodies and treating them as expendable commodities… But this current situation is a real wakeup call to those who have yet to grasp the reality. It’s really showing up, and I hope everyone sees how the cogs worked to make this society run.

This experience is also humbling at how much I can tolerate being a homebody… Granted, I spent the majority of my life as a homebody. But in those times, it was a mode of survival, for the sake of my mental health. I cannot say if it helped much, but it managed to get me into a stage that brought a sense of stability and new appreciation for life. That stage saw me taking my work seriously through independent projects and grad school, handling responsibilities like a mature adult, and interacting with folks at a social level I could tolerate.

Well, it was a short-lived stage. Here I am, with my oscillating emotions and motivation to do anything that resembles engagement or productivity.

I learned how much being part of an institution via affiliation brought me back into a groove that I had not seen since graduating from undergrad (5 years ago, whoa!). If you have been following me on this blog, you know what happened in the past 5 years; so it makes sense as to why I am saying all of this.

But will this mean I lost hope of getting back to ‘normal’?

Maybe this will spring forth another growth stage. I do not know nor can imagine what that will look like. But I want to feel that balance forming again.

Since the lockdown took place, my usual sleep pattern has been consistent:

  • sleep time: between 3-6am
  • wakeup time: around 2pm, or 4pm the latest
  • average hours of sleep: 9-10 hours
  • this all depends how much game time I played on The Sims 4

Recently, I started taking melatonin as an attempt to “re-adjust” my sleep pattern at a ‘more reasonable’ time… but it leaves me feeling more tired than when I wasn’t relying on sleeping aids. It’s as if I am fighting against nature because I refuse to accept that afternoons are okay to wake up, if I do not have any important activities/appointments to attend.

One thing is for certain: late nights are my active brain hours, where I am thinking and writing at speeds that are faster than when I am dealing with daytime thoughts. It is because of the stillness and quiet that come about, allowing free flow of creativity, critical thinking, and reflection…

(This is probably why I struggle to write blog posts during the day; but I cannot bring myself to type on a computer in the evening…)

That’s all I can say for now. This helped more to write in long form than to create a Twitter thread…

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