When it comes to writing, I feel a combination of dread and excitement. Sometimes I am frustrated in finding the appropriate words to convey my thoughts in the best, most comprehensive way. But every time I perform the act of writing, I feel accomplished in taking that excruciating step in the first place–to reveal the contents of my mind on blank pages/text boxes that may or may not be read by other eyes. In other words, I love to write.
What I have a love/hate relationship with, is posting or publishing my work in a public space. Ironic, isn’t it? One of the implications of being a writer is to be accustomed to showing the work, for others to read and critique. For me, it is not just my creative work that I feel the need to protect from public eyes. It is also my thoughts, opinions, and viewpoints. I am always self-conscious of what I feel like sharing to others. It might be because of the fear of having my own words used against me, in the future. It might be unsolicited judgment or misunderstood criticism, when in no way was I trying to be malignant with my words. (Sometimes I will not have all the information to understand a given situation, and therefore my comment will sound off-putting to those who do have the knowledge, which can lead to embarrassing and overly apologetic interactions that causes one or more parties to lose face.) Nonetheless, it is because of this love/hate relationship with sharing things in public that I often find myself retreating “afk”.
But here, in this space (my blog), I find a better place to voice my Internal Self without fear and with the freedom to expand my thoughts.
This space is mine. There may not be enough material to show much of what I want to say, but it is plenty to prove that my mind never shuts off (even if I wanted to, at certain times). This space is where I can best show myself, my Internal Self, and have public eyes see what it is that I am expressing through words.
I love writing. I still call myself a writer and hope to get published, someday. I have not discussed any of my creative works to anyone because they are not fully developed to the point that I can articulate as a fluid body of work. But even if I remain silent through these public spaces, I am working in the background. It is there, and here, where I thrive.