amenaje

I swear that I am writing, just not on this blog…

Part of me has reconsidered maintaining an online presence. As taboo as it sounds, for someone who wants to become a published writer someday, I feel more at peace when not being active on any social media platforms. My relationship to being perceived has changed, most notably in the last two years, and I prefer to keep certain aspects of my personal life to myself.

It is scary to share yourself to the rest of the world – then again, I am a writer.

I don’t know what I will do with this website. I have the domain and the website plan for another year. Perhaps I will make this space a priority again; I am busy with my own projects that have been kept quiet about. I am also working on an appropriate office space that will allow me to feel like I can concentrate on whatever it is that I need to focus my attention without distractions or disturbances.

I also feel like changing my name. Who knows…

(I’m writing this post from my drafts, dated/abandoned from March of this year… oops~)

Three months since my last entry. I’ve been focusing on starting fresh with the current semester (now midway through coursework) and continuing with my independent creative projects. My ability to stay productive is okay, probably a lot better than last semester.

As of late, I began exploring my local areas to satisfy my fixation for “(sub)urban excursions,” which had to be subdued in light of the pandemic and lockdown. Availing to local libraries to do research, study, or browse new books have been the highlight of my exploration! As someone who rarely went to the library growing up, mainly due to parents’ busy work schedules, it is now an exciting event for me to go to the libraries in my area and borrow a book, instead of buying books at the bookstore to take home (which I still do… but am now practicing a little more restraint).

I am also trying to come back to writing in a journal to unpack the many thoughts that come racketeering in my mind. It did not occur to me how much I hesitated to write in a journal, to refuse to record the day’s events because I would rather forget how mundane my life has become. Or to ignore recurring thoughts that demand interrogation and over-analysis of why they come up. I guess I cannot handle being at this age and facing the many years ahead of hardships in adulthood. Anyway.

This may not be an enlightening update, especially for anyone who is visiting this blog for the first time. I no longer have much of a social media presence like I used to, and this is the only residence I have on the cyberspace. (My blog is linked on my graduate program’s website.) I have further contemplated on removing any other traces of my Internet existence that I do not remember carving in the last few years, because the idea of being perceived transformed into a growing fear… I guess this is due to witnessing how much one can divulge too much about themselves online, then have that material come back to them in unpleasant ways. Is that irrational for me to fear? (Will this post come back to haunt me, should I ever become a public figure?)

I just feel like this blog should remain permanent, as a testament to my life. But I cannot promise that I will be more active in posting. I felt like writing a new post, after a recent class discussion about forms of writing in the digital age. It was like, “Oh right, I have a blog! Let me update it real quick~”

Maybe this will be my final post for the year, in which case: Take care, Reader, happy holidays, and see you next year!

It’s been about six months since my last entry. I’m never sure if anyone still follows this blog – but if you are and have wondered how I’ve been, I apologize for the absence!

Much had happened within the time frame, but I cannot recall in full detail of what I have been up to. But I am still taking care of myself to the best of my ability. And that’s what really matters,

There was a point where I was burnt out from all the work I’ve had to do with classes and my independent projects, along with the greater emotional tolls I’ve suffered while trying to remain productive and functional. I felt like I was entrapped by mercilessly forces that failed to recognize my humanity – but that sounds a bit dramatic, typing that out~ But in all seriousness, I was feeling hopeless in the past few months until the workload became light.

Recently, I’ve been concentrating on emotional mindfulness by enjoying the hobbies that help me decompress rather than be distractions. I have also tried to change my diet, in the way of balancing nutrients that won’t make me feel sick (acai bowls and fruit & yogurt parfaits have become my snacking desires~). My sleep schedule is still not so great sometimes, as I feel more tired than rested when I wake up. But at least I am no longer taking the melatonin that I would desperately take so I could sleep away whatever troubled me. (I found some loose lea tea at a store, meant to help with sleep, and it actually makes me feel tired at the hours I am usually wide-eyed awake. It has helped me a lot.)

I have also received my first dose of the vaccine, with the second one coming on Monday. I haven’t experienced any serious symptoms, but I do hate the feeling of needles… it’s an actual phobia I’ve had since I was younger, but it is something to overcome for the sake of my overall health. Mentally preparing for the second shot and hoping that I will be alright afterwards.

Enrolled for the fall semester, but only taking one course this time. After what I had experienced last semester, in juggling two courses online (both of which were demanding and heavy material), I feel that it is best if I just do one at a time. Again, I will be remote because I do not feel it is safe enough to commute to the city. Perhaps by next year (maybe next fall), I will go back to campus. I truly miss the city and going to the university.

That is all I have to say for now. I don’t know if I will come back to writing much on this blog, but it will remain up. It is a record of my life lived.