I don’t know what I’m doing

A year older, but not feeling particularly different. But I believe that I am beginning to embrace a new approach to how I make movements both in real life and on the Internet, if the latter is most possible for me to do.

I had considered deleting my personal website altogether, as I am not sure if I want to address myself by my own name (albeit a very condensed version that was intended to sound catchy and relieve me the trouble of signing out my full name). But I already paid for the domain and website plan recently for another year… so I will think it over until the next billing cycle. For now, that website remains “under construction”.

This blog, I do plan to keep. With regards to my current master’s course study, this blog remains my only live document of my life, through different waves of time. But I find it difficult to write about myself nowadays, even to myself, in my private journals. There is not much for me to talk about that would sound interesting. Not especially now, as we are still under a global crisis of various scopes.

If anyone happens to continue following this blog, I appreciate your time and consideration. I cannot guarantee that I will be very active in writing here; the whim to update this space comes and goes. As of now, I am trying to build a more structured schedule around coursework again. I have yet to create a concrete plan for my master’s thesis, even though I am far from needing to work on it right away. At least I should have a good idea of what it will be about and how I envision the final product.

I might end up changing the name of the blog, just because.

I’m okay now

Re-reading my last entry, I realized how concerning it might have sounded to anyone who has come across this blog.

I thought it was a matter of time to give an update.

These past few months were spent in contemplative and reflective solitude–or more like, AFK/AFP(hone). I focused on paying more attention to my immediate environment and my own person. Slowly but surely, I was able to find some peace of mind that helped me to appreciate what I have now and how far I have survived through the trials and tribulations of the past. It might be hard for me to explain what I mean, but I would like to flesh this out more when I feel ready to do so.

The greatest motivation I found during my time away here was entering a new venture on storytelling. Now, I prefer to keep this a private matter, as I am trying out being anonymous online (*side eyes this blog*), but this venture has given me tremendous creative freedom and most especially, a wonderful community of other creators who have been encouraging and supportive! I am currently releasing installments of an independent project that took three months of tiring work, fluctuating sleep patterns, and shoddy appetites… but in this way, I felt like I was able to heal from the heartbreak I was experiencing in the summer. Each time I worked on this project, I felt like I was slowly returning to the roots of my writer/storyteller lineage…

In other news, I will return to my grad studies for the next semester. I would like to come back to the academic space (remotely/virtually) with a new direction in my work for that. Taking LOA helped me a lot to reassess and recalibrate what matters to me the most, as a writer, as a person, and as a storyteller. I am hoping that this master’s project goes well, with a new mapping of my personal narrative.

That’s all I can think of to say. I actually need to continue working on my personal project to meet my own deadlines! Which has worked well for me, and it gives my weekly planner a better purpose~

(I should also note that I deleted most of my social media. I don’t plan to return to any of those platforms because cutting that portion of my existence has helped me mentally & emotionally~)

I’m not okay

I cannot tell you much of what I did in the past month. Because every day was almost the same: escaping into a simulation game while remembering to eat, hydrate, and take care of myself in real life. The only times I was not playing The Sims 4 was when I had to do laundry and run errands for the household. But so far, it feels like I am accepting this new lifestyle that is similar to previous years when I wasn’t “actively participating in society”, that is — and this may sound offensive to some who have been identified as this — becoming a shut-in.

Given that there is still a pandemic going on here in the U.S., staying home as much as possible is a safety precaution. But I began to think that, if the pandemic ceased to exist indefinitely, I do not see myself “returning to regular life” because I do not know what that even looks like. Mainly because, in the past few years, I had different “normals” that others would deem chaotic, but those were caused by unforeseen circumstances. (I don’t want to repeat myself here, in this blog post, but I have talked about it in previous blog posts that are still available to read for context.)

I almost do not see the point in socializing with people I used to be able to talk to, both online and in real life, because connections tend to waver depending on how much effort both parties are willing to put in. Oddly enough, that is something that I have realized from playing Sims4: as much as I try to have certain Sims converse with each other and try to build better relationships, it is difficult because of 1) the limitations on different kinds of activities and topics available in the game to have Sims bond with each other, and 2) even if I am able to raise their relationship bars to full green, those bars will slowly lower overtime, if I am not playing certain households for long periods of time — forcing me to start over again when I eventually decide to reactivate those households. This seems too close to real life.

Most notably in the past month, I went into reading and writing slumps. I just could not bring myself to find the motivation and enthusiasm to do those things like I used to. There are no excuses I can give, just that I don’t want to do them. What for, if I cannot imagine what the future will hold for me…? I have a sense of hopelessly, in the spare moments of logging off the computer and being afraid to confront the thoughts that come up as my mind strays away from virtual worlds…

I feel like there is no one I can really talk to about stuff that has been eating away at my soul over the course of the months I’ve been socially isolated. But really, I just don’t want to talk about those bothersome things because I don’t want to realize that I am less than the person I had hoped to become… Quite possibly, I lost a friendship that I thought meant something, as well as a few other connections that I wanted to believe were going to lead to the betterment of the communities I am (was) a part of. Moreso, I just gave up trying to participate…

This definitely makes me a bad person. I know it does. But what more can I do, from the confines of my living space and of my personal capital that barely keeps anything afloat? I am barely keeping it together, which is why I am holding onto a computer game like The Sims 4 as a clutch. At least, in that imaginary world where I have control (most of the time), I can create storylines to keep myself amused/entertained and construct buildings for Sims to live in or gather for socialization. It has replaced my sense of reality, at this point…

Well, this blog is being treated more as my monthly updates, since I only post once or twice a month. Maybe this feeling will change, in the next few weeks or by October. We will see…